Sometimes it is hard to hold on to hope. Other times it is equally hard to let go of something you held hope for, for such a long time, but know you need to let go of. Then God steps in and redeems everything.
As I am writing this, I honestly don’t know what this story will be. Will it be one of holding on or of letting go? God tells us to do both, so it can be confusing sometimes. So in this time of waiting I am doing all that I can think of, and that is sharing how I got here and all God has done so far and also what going to Australia (closing the shop for three months) even has to do with Ethereal and you.
I’ve always been the person believing there has to be more to life than the mundane, routine of things in doing what we are told. Just going to work and keeping God on a neat shelf for Sundays. When I committed my life to God in my late teens, I knew I was all in, as in God I want you to take all of my life to do with as you please. I was dreaming of missions and ministry, discipleship journeys and serving across borders, just so that I could share this amazing Jesus that would do anything for us and that did everything for us so that we can have a deep personal relationship with Him.
There were of course so many things I was so naïve of, but my heart was burning, I was learning and so zealous to make a mark on the world for the Kingdom. But life happens and we get hurt, disappointed, confused and insecurities set in when we become painfully aware of the judgements of others especially those closest to us; how our choosing Jesus feels like not choosing them. At first it is easy to dust off but the enemy’s arrows hit their mark really well when you are least suspecting, and it is a stealthy blow. Sometimes you don’t even realise how hard you have been hit until you are almost bled out. But God in His amazing grace comes and tends your wounds and puts you back together, as much as you let Him. You fight the good fight again but you unknowingly left some wounds untended, so your fire burns a little less bright.
Repeat this process a couple of times, over a few years, every time leaving a few more pieces of your heart untended, reserved so they go dark and become hard and un-surrendered to Jesus. Then you realise too late you only have embers left, kept alive only by grace breaths of Love that your hungry soul grasps at with desperation. Often in this state, guilt and shame keep us quiet. The dead coals and sand of lies lay a lot heavier than the remaining sparks of truth, so we don’t ask for the help we need. Instead we try to rekindle the flame on our own as much as we can, but there is always an unwelcome gust to blow and snuff out the straws of truth we try to add in our own strength.
Without much liking to admit it, this is the place I have found myself in the past couple of years. Hoping to give more glory to God by letting this show how all the good things and growth have really just been His love, grace and mercy holding everything together and using my messes to make His beauty shine through.
Attunga ties into all of this as a beam of light I fully believe was sent by God to show me; He sees me, knows me uniquely and still has amazing adventures planned for me and my healing and wholeness mean more to Him than me. Full context, Attunga is a 3 to 4 month internship of healing and discipleship and growing closer to Christ through learning, serving and resting in Him. I applied for this internship originally in 2017, got in and was very excited for this journey I thought I would go on, only to have my visa application almost denied (by God’s grace they advised me to withdraw the application instead) about a week before I was meant to leave. After that disappointment and many other attempts to try and get there later, through other means of my own, I finally released it and accepted it is not something God had planned for me, hurt but hoping maybe someday there might be something else. Fast forward to mid 2023 where I get a message from the founder of Attunga wanting to find out how I was doing and to invite me to join their internship if I was still interested and they would help me with some of the fees. Only God could have such perfect timing and know where my heart was at that point. With much fear and uncertainty I decided to open up my heart again to believing it was out of His heart and hand, showing me how uniquely He sees me and knows my deepest heart desires and that already brought so much healing.
Financially I knew the possibility of this journey was a long stretch as I had just used my savings and then some to buy Ethereal and hadn’t had any other source income since the start of the year. As only small business owners can really understand, at the beginning the business can barely survive on its one let alone support you. But I wanted to trust and believe God is bigger than my ability. He is Jehovah Jireh and He can make something from my nothing. I did want to do something with what I had so the Fully Known Budget tees were born as the message was magnified through all that had happened recently. It also seemed like a great way to raise funds without asking people to just give me money, which I really don’t like doing! It was also a way to bring you along in the journey as it impacts you in a way as well.
I say that because I want Ethereal to be more than just a business and more than just a Christian brand. I want it to be a community and place of inspiration of the goodness and love of God. I want to create products that carry meaningful messages that cultivate your walk with Christ, that remind you of your true identity and that draw others in, in an open and loving way. For me to keep on doing that in earnest and with clarity I need to make sure I am walking that journey first and that I am doing it honestly, with integrity and vulnerability. I don’t want to splash a verse on a shirt that I know is popular but that I don’t believe with conviction. Everything I create or curate is from a place of testimony and Holy Spirit encounter and obedience. My heart is not to sell you stuff but to inspire you to keep seeking the heart of the Father who loved you first and loves you best. As gracious and merciful as God has been I feel you deserve more than my dying embers, you deserve my burning flames. That is why I want to go fully present and in full faith that God will carry and sustain me in absolutely every aspect,. So that means quieting the busy to tune in and the best way I can think to do that well is closing the shop for the time I am away and opening again in May with fresh fire.
I do believe God can use any means to accomplish a rekindling and I am open to that, but since my yes, it has been amazing to see how God has opened doors to opportunities. I could literally feel the growth in the business, but the insecurities and fears still set in, in many ways, when obstacles came. When sales went quiet, when inspiration felt non-existent, when suppliers could not deliver. Then when documentation took long to correct, when I wasn’t able to apply for a new passport, when I got very sick when I finally did submit my visa application and misread the website on the rules of doing biometrics, which led to driving two hours to Cape Town twice and having made the second appointment wrong as well and then also thinking I submitted the wrong documentation on my visa. But then I got my passport after two days from sorting out the misunderstanding, I got needed rest, the people helped me anyway with my biometrics and right after getting the documentation updated to reload, seeing the email that my application for my visa had been successful!! These things I praise God for, because He is good and He deserves it all! But still here I am sitting holding on for a miracle, because I have everything but a plane ticket dated for 1 February 2024 or any means to even think of getting one (I would need to sell about 450 shirts in less than a week to get there). I am already processing that even if, at this point, it is a no, God is still good and still has good plans for me, but also that he can make a way where there seems to be no way at any moment.
If you have supported this journey from the start, you helped me get to this point so thank you! If not I am still thankful and would deeply appreciate any type support, but mostly I just hope it inspires you in some way to believe that God is good and loves and sees you uniquely too, no matter what!
I am still waiting and hoping and trusting. I will let you know the outcome but the only thing I know I am sure of is that I can let go of everything else but I need to, want to and will keep on holding on to God always.
Go or stay, only He is worthy and deserving of my deepest praise!
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1 February 2024 update. Thanks to God’s love, goodness, faithfulness, grace and mercy I am flying to Australia today for three months. I am standing in the promises of Jehovah Jireh and trusting He will provide any and all things needed at every step. Thank you for all your support and being instruments in God’s hands.
This means the shop will be closed and only reopen, God willing, on the 7th of May 2024. Fully Known tees will still be available on backorder for those who still want to support this journey I am on with Jesus.
xx
Monique